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Summer Holidays: No Mystery Machine

Summer Holidays: No Mystery Machine

Ah the end of year holidays. It’s that time when religious people all over the world celebrate their sacred holiday (what a coincidence), when the non-religious people start complaining about nativity scenes, and when everyone celebrates not being at work. Except people in service industries, they are slaves.

Of course, it’s not a ‘free’ holiday anymore. You have to pay with your hard earned leave hours. I remember when you still got to keep your leave if your boss demanded that you stay away on a normal weekday (in between Xmas and New Year’s Day) but not anymore, for most of us. Fine, I’ll blame the government. Assholes.

My job is cool, I like the people I work with and most importantly, the office is air-conditioned. This doesn’t mean I felt happy about getting back. Coming back to work after time off (mostly couch-bound, making plans to do things and then not doing them) feels like I’ve failed spectacularly somehow over the summer. I should have found buried treasure from a map given to me by a drunk in a bar I can’t remember going to, or solved a crime and collected a huge reward.

I watch a lot of true crime shows, so I know what I’m talking about. Real Detectives and Forensic Files are really great to watch to fall asleep to. Some call it Murder Porn, Dave and I call it a lullaby. They are also really great insights into the blatantly ludicrous and bizarre egos of American law enforcement.

Have you ever watched one of these things? They tell you the story of (usually) some guy, who is suspected of killing his wife/girlfriend/best friend and is basically railroaded from day one. And this is what the investigators WANT you to see. Apparently, local law enforcement officers are experts in the behaviour of everyone in the world for all circumstances. “He didn’t seem sad enough at his business partner dying, so we arrested him” or “I would expect the reaction to be stronger, so we suspected him immediately”

If the poor suspect sticks to his or her story and denies everything, and there is no evidence to support the one and only theory these cops are willing to think about, then they get the feds to administer a polygraph test. A test that is so unreliable, it would be better to ask a mountain goat to stamp once for ‘lies’ and twice for ‘truth’. These are always ‘inconclusive’ (DERRRRR) and so it fuels their theory of guilt.


You could tell, because he was talking

Then there is DNA. It’s always a hair or a blood spot or some shit. Hey, newsflash – people bleed all the damned time, and not only that, blood and hair don’t just transfer from the moment of a wound being inflicted, it can happen because the room is windy, because the cops who were first on the scene transferred it to you when they arrested or questioned you, or because there is literally fucking hair EVERYWHERE. Obviously a shitload of blood is hard to explain away, but a few drops, especially those ‘microscopic ones we didn’t see at first’. Come ooooon!

It’s really scary to watch. These smug people are on TV, sit there and actually say that to solve the crime they need to fit the evidence or lack thereof to fit their theory. You know, the only one they looked at. Sometimes, the show host knows all this and goes about looking into alternative theories for the poor cops. This fares a little better, but still almost always ends with someone spending 10 years in jail for nothing.

Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the holidays. Well, I didn’t end up going away for the holidays, but it turned out OK, because I used the time to get some things done around the house.

No I didn’t, I mostly slept in till 11am, had breakfast and then slept some more. One day I re-slept after breaky until 3.30pm, and I drank sparkling wine every day. I actually injured my hand picking up and pouring the bottle so many times.

scary naked unicorn chick


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